Grieve

people come and go
we never know
the good and the bad
all in the same bed
always knew how to brake
never knew how to fix
never turning back
'till you got pain on your back

good people come, you go
bad people come, you follow
insanity-red-rose spreads
morality-white-jasmine fades

paper turns to dust
rice turns to mush
regrets, begs, tears are all shown
try and try, 'till them dry

the time keeps tick-tocking
never realizing
years into months
months into weeks
weeks into days
days into hours
hours into seconds
seconds into an end

leaves started to fall on the fall
the sun rises in the morning,
set down in the evening
no everlasting, no happy ending

The Loneliness Feeling (English Version Editted)

                Hello, wise people.. Today's post isn't about a happening thing in my life, it's just another version of my previous post's which titled The Loneliness Feeling. What makes this post different with the previous version? I guess It'll only be on the language which I put on. But I don't know either, I could add a bit on it too, right? Because there is one of my best friends, Dicky Kurniawan  asked me to make The Loneliness Feeling in English version. So, here I am making this new version. I bet there won't be a big different between the two of them. So, wise people.. Here we go . . .

A loneliness… An emptiness … or any different word that can describe this feeling.. Or should I said that most of Javanese's teenagers whose living nearby my city are get used to name it suwung. For some of them who called themselves a modern people thought and assumed that being lonely is only for those whose broken hearted or don't even mind to have a boy/girl friend (in relationship, I mean). Hell to the low, hello?! Being lonely doesn't need to be on that typical state of mind. You don't need to be brokenhearted first if you want to feel this horrible feeling. You don't need to get yourself on serious trouble too. Oh my gosh, please don't!

         Though this author right here, also a single girl without any boys accompany. Haha LOL. Well, stop talking about me, let's go back to my post! A loneliness feeling is a mixed feelings among confusedness, sadness, stress, and every suffer  which happened to everyone though somehow the loneliness feeling which happened to every people are different. This feeling could come in any of the time, we can't predict. It may happen to our lives when our surrounded are in a crowded situation, but our heart still feel a damn emptiness. I bet it's like a nightmare in a daylight. Silence… where no one wants to have a chitchat with you or an emptiness which coming out of no where. Yea, it sucks! But it happens to me like almost all the time of my life. 

In a place full of people, I feel like I am being the unknown, the left one, the freaking stranger.

Though sometimes I got people I know on my own, but they don't seem to understand even care for me. It's sad, when I always be there for them (my best one) but where the hell they are? Never heard a thing from them..  Who only come to me whenever they need me, only! Never ask how am I doing every single day I've been through, who always be gone whenever this damn feeling came to me… Am I asking too much for their caring to me? Till I make them sick at mad at me. Don’t know, I can't see through their heart. But was I wrong to ask such as thing? What a best friend's for then? If not to make their own best friend happy and have this world together in any kind of situation.

Every time I feel bored and lonely at school, I always wanted to go home as fast as I could. Cause

I'm hoping if I'm at home I won't be feeling this terrible situation of loneliness. You know why? Cause I'm tired and can't stand to this situation anymore…

Home, a place where I could be me , a place where I could get my own happiness with my little

family :) Fyi, I don't have any friend with the same age as mine but a boy next door, Aziz  with his girl cousin, Dimas. My friendship with Aziz has already happened since we were babies. Both Aziz and Dimas are kind and good to me, they also kind of make me laugh even when I don't want it to. And because of some sort of reason we already known for each of our characters.

             This loneliness feeling keep on coming to me, 24/7. In some unknown reason, this feeling also comes to me whenever I have finished my work for school, have nothing to watch, being left alone at home, and… when I miss some certain person. Not a special one, indeed..  But this guy could make me smile, laugh, hate, calm, and cry whenever I told him my sad story. Unfortunately, his not himself anymore from the moment I met him for the first time. I know he's busy nowadays… Yea, knowing that he's a chief of MPK this year. But I never thought that thing could change him real fast. His just… not him anymore…

And there is another guy, he's no one else but one of my best friends. For me, he's not just a best

friend. Cause for me, he's like a big bro… The way he gave me advices of my problems and my attitude which sounds like a big brother whom I never have. But now he become someone else I don't even recognize, he's becoming a very cold person… Maybe, that's because he has already a girl who filled   his empty heart. If truth be told, I don't like his new girlfriend -_- not because I was jealous over her, but I hate her that she turned my big bro into a cold guy

But I'll try my best to deal with this loneliness situation no matter what.. And mostly my best way

to deal with this situation are sleeping, listening to random music on my phone, doing crazy dancing, even crying, and some stupid things you may think of which can make me smile and forget about this damn feeling.. THE END

XoXo,

Author  

A Lesson ...

Hi there, my bittersweet journal. I  guess it's been a long time since my last writing, right? I know, I know that you miss me so much. You know I do too :) you know I'm still having my holiday on my own and lately I've been watching for some Korean dramas. It's kinda lonesome whenever I watched it. You know, I always feel this kind of emptiness feeling. I feel like I have no one to call, I have no one who I could talk to and even more I have no one to color-up my days.

But you also know that whenever I watched, whether it's just a movie or Korean drama  which I know all of 'em are FAKE or a FANTACY, FICTION…. Somehow I learn something from 'em too.. Mostly I learn about "HOW TO FACE THIS CRUEL WORLD, WISELY"… I know, it may sounds overreacting but it is how it is! I learn about how we should love someone, how we should not keep a grudge on anyone, how we should keep our promises no matter what happened, how to stick with our own principle, and others.

I just watched these dramas. And there is something that captured my eyes, "Don't spend your life in hostility. After someone was born into this cruel world, your life wasn't long enough to love each others, right?" those sentences made me realize on how we should love each others without hating each other. 'cause you'll never know when is it gonna be your "time" (to be kicked off of this cruel world)

So good people,  don't you ever dare to mess with your life. Use your time for goodness, loving each others with no hating on each others, and be grateful on whatever God already gave us ^^

The Loneliness Feeling

       Kesepian.. Kalau kata anak jaman sekarang sih kesuwungan. Bagi mereka yang di luar sana yang ngakunya sih anak gaul, sering kali mengartikan kesuwungan itu sebagai kejombloan akibat gak punya pacar(?) Hell to the low, hello? Kesuwungan itu gak harus seperti itu kok. Walaupun penulisnya (aku) masih ngejomblo.. Sebenarnya, kesuwungan atau rasa kesepian itu bisa datang kapan aja, dimana aja, dan ke siapa aja. Bahkan kepada mereka-mereka yang udah taken. 
       Kesepian adalah suatu perasaan galau, sedih, sepi, stress, bahkan penderitaan yang dirasakan tiap-tiap orang walaupun tiap-tiap rasa dari kesepian itu gak sama. Rasa kesepian bisa datang kapan aja bahkan disaat lingkungan sekitar kita terasa ramai namun, hati kita merasakan kesepian yang luar biasa. Sepi karna gak ada yang ngajakin becanda atau ngobrol. ataupun rasa sepi yang tiba-tiba muncul begitu saja.Tidak ada yang bisa menebak kapan rasa kesepian kita itu datang. Sering sekali rasanya aku merasa kesepian... Di tempat keramaian aku merasa bahwa aku ini sendiri, tidak ada yang peduli, bahkan menganggapku ada disana. Biarpun ada beberapa orang yang aku kenal, but they don't seem to understand even care for me. Sedih rasanya, ketika aku selalu ada untuk mereka (teman-temanku) namun, dimanakah mereka berada? Tak pernah ada kabar.. Yang hanya datang di saat membutuhkan ku, yang selalu hilang di saat ku kesepian.. Mungkinkah aku terlalu meminta banyak perhatian dari mereka? Sehingga mereka sendiripun merasa kesal dan muak padaku. Tak tau, aku tak dapat menebak isi hati mereka.
       Ketika aku merasa bosan dan kesepian di sekolah, aku selalu merasa ingin pulang..
Rumah.. Tempat dimana aku bisa menjadi diriku sendiri, tempat dimana aku dapat berbahagia dengan keluargaku. Tapi, biarpun diriku sudah di rumah tidak menutup kemungkinan bahwa aku tidak akan merasa kesepian. Aku tidak punya teman seumuranku di rumah, hanya mama dan papa teman setia ku yang selalu menemaniku sepanjang hari. Sedang teman di sekitar rumah yang aku punya hanyalah Aziz dan sepupunya Dimas. Mereka baik kepadaku, dapat membuatku tertawa, dan melupakan masalahku. Maklum, pertemananku dan Aziz sudah berlangsung sejak kami masih bayi, jadi kami tau betul bagaimana sifat kami masing-masing.
         Kesepian terus saja melanda hari-hari ku tanpa henti 24/7. Terkadang kesepian itu muncul saat aku sudah tidak ada PR, tidak ada ilm yang menarik untuk di tonton, sendirian di rumah, dan dikala merindukan seseorang. Bukan seseorang yang spesial memang, namun dapat membuatku tersenyum, tertawa, benci, menenangkan, bahkan membuat ku menangis. Tapi sayang, bagiku, dia bukanlah dirinya yang pertama kali ku kenal dulu. Aku tau dia sibuk.. Ya, mengingat sekarang dia seorang ketua MPK. Tapi, tak ku sangka hal itu merubahnya menjadi orang lain. Ada juga, seorang teman yang telah aku anggap seperti big bro yang kata-katanya dalam menasihatiku layaknya seorang kakak saja. Tapi dia berubah menjadi seorang yang acuh, tdk peduli lagi.. Mungkin, karena seorang wanita yang sudah mengisi hatinya. Kalaupun boleh jujur aku tak suka dengan wanita itu yang membuat my big bro jadi berubah.
          Tapi, aku mencoba menghadapi loneliness feeling ini bagaimanapun caranya. Cara ampuhku sih, tidur, bernyanyi sesuka hati, menangis, dan melakukan hal-hal konyol dan hal-hal lainnya yang bisa membuat ku tersenyum dan melupakan rasa kesepianku itu, THE END.

XoXo,

The Writer, The Bittersweet Taste Of Life. 

Bingungnya jadi Diriku

        Bingungnya jadi diriku.. Aku yakin kalimat seperti itu pernah terjadi kpd kalian semua, paling tidak satu kali. Sering kali aku mempertanyakan setiap apa yang telah diberikan Allah padaku. Terkadang aku merasa bahwa Allah itu tidak adil kepada umatnya, padahal aku sendiri tahu bahwa Allah pasti memberi yang terbaik untuk umatnya. Mungkin aku tak suka bahkan membencinya, namun bagi Allah yang mengetahui segalanya mengingat Ia lah yang menciptakan kita pula hingga dapat menikmati indahnya dunia ini, apa yang telah diberikan-Nya kepada kita memang mungkin tidak mendapat feedback secara langsung dan significant untuk kita saat ini tapi untuk di hari esok, siapa yang tau? Well, hanya Allah yang tahu dan kita seharunya bersyukur atas segala sesuattu yang telah diberikan-Nya kepada kita.
        Pernah aku berpikir, "kenapa Allah memberikan cobaan yang sama lagi kepada ku untuk kesekian kalinya? Apa yang telah aku lakukan? Apakah aku kurang bersyukur kepada-Mu? Atau sebegitukah Engkau membenciku?" dan aku yakin semua orang pasti pernah merasakan apa yang ku rasakan, karna kta bukanlah yang maha sempurna, hanya Allah lah Yang Maha Sempurna. Selama ini aku mencoba untuk positive thinking terhadap segala sesuatu, baik kepada orang lain, ujian-ujian, bahkan teradap diriku sendiri! Dapatkah kalian memayangkann betapa bingungnya aku setelah hidup selama 16 tahun lebih lamanya dengan segala bentuk kekejaman, keburukan, kenistaan, keinndahan, segala kenikmatan sesaat yang aku dan kalian rasakan di bumi ini.
        Aku merasa jika akutelah melakukan apa yang seharusnya, namun apa yang aku dapat? Nothing! Akupun mulai bertanya-tanya, "hal apalagi yang harus ku lakukan agar bisa mendapatkan nilai dan menjadi seorang yang pandai? Rasanya itu semua sia-sia, karna tak ada satu jurus yang mujarap yang dapat membawaku ke atas awan." Hmm.. Mungkin inilah hidup, butuh perjuang yang sangat berat bahkan sampai ke titik darah pengahabisan layaknya seorang ksatria di medan perang.